Depression - the monster consumes me

Usually my posts are upbeat and positive as I focus on my goal of pregnancy and infant loss awareness but lately my depression has spiralled downwards and fast.

My goal for the next few days is to every night before bed do a sort of mood diary and write down my honest feelings and then give them to my GP.

I haven't taken medication for some time thinking I could manage without them, now it is quite clear that I cannot, I feel beaten and defeated.

This is a really hard blog for me to write, I've got so good at faking it that I'm even fooling myself. It is time to admit, I am not happy, I am struggling and I need to seek help. I don't like to feel judged so I am always scared to go to somebody and talk to them, I hate the thought of going to a doctor and them laughing at me or me being scared and not being able to tell them what I want to as I have done so many times before.

But I have had a think about how I have acted today, how I have yelled at my children and pushed them away, how much of a monster I have become. It is time, I don't just want help, I NEED HELP

I can't believe I have let it go this long thinking I could manage, embarrassed to admit it but I have got to the stage where when I am in a really depressive state I am having lots of suicidal thoughts, tell my husband I want a divorce and just hurt, I get so angry I feel I am going to burst and I hate it, then I cry and end up with a headache, then I'll be fine for a few hours then it all starts again, I cannot do it anymore, I will not do it anymore.
Wish me luck!

Moving day is set!

Finally we have a house to live in (very small but its a start) and the truck is booked for the 25th with me and my children flying to Coolangatta on the 27th! I am very excited and very nervous.
I have 18 days to pack a whole house, clean it, steam clean the carpets, sell a car .... all with 4 children! So as you can imagine I am STRESSED to the max and next week meal plan includes meals that I can double batch and freeze for the next week to save time and part of my sanity.

On another happy note I did my Michelle Bridges 12WBT fitness test this morning and am now an intermediate! I also ran/jogged 1km in 7 minutes and 1 second, super proud of myself.
Things are on the up and up. Now I just have to remember that although we will be living in a super tiny unit for a little while it means our family is back together and we can search together for a house that suits us better. In 18 days I will be living with my husband again - I am so happy I cannot put it into words.
                                                           

I will leave you for now on that happy note and be back later with something else 

C25k app and more

My treadmill got delivered today so less of the excuses of I can't run with 4 kids (a double pram, hip dysplacia and one who's distracted by anything shiny!)
Well now it doesn't matter if its hot, cold, raining, the kids are sick all the excuses are gone, forever!
Since most of my training so far has been fast walking because of the kids I decided I download the c25k app to help me along
Wow it's tougher than it sounds but I did my first days training and feel amazing, tired yet amazing!
In just 9 weeks I should be able to run for 5km and hopefully by 13 weeks run 10km without stopping!
Self doubt had started to come in and I was doubting myself if I could do this my confidence is regaining I CAN DO THIS!

The RMFA Gratitude Project days 21, 22, 23 & 24

Day 21 - Birthdays


Today (January 21st) is my birthday, I am grateful to have survived another year despite the hurdles I have had along the way.
Another year to say I did it, this year of my life will be my strongest yet, my bravest, the best!

Day 22 - Equipment



Fingers crossed my financing is approved for this little baby, a birthday present to myself (hopefully!)
I always complain that whilst we can go out and walk with the kids I can't run with them, I decided to change that and thanks to the world of online applications I applied at midnight to tie in with my birthday now just the waiting game to hear back from them!

Day 23 - Motivational Pictures



Whenever I feel slow or sluggish I search for these and am left feeling pumped and alive, ready to go!
I think I'm going to get some sticky notes and write them down and stick them around the house so I am always reminded and motivated

Day 24 - Decluttering



As I pack and go through things and get rid of things that aren't used it feels GREAT! There is a long way to go but the new house will be clutter free, clean and beautiful :)

The RFMA Gratitude project days 17, 18, 19 & 20

Day 17 - Wii games
I know a blog about bettering my life and it includes video games but these games are great for when I can't get out of the house, I was sceptical at first but they really do get your heart pumping and the sweat rolling


Day 18 - Finances
Our financial status was and still isn't what I would call good but when I rang an institute a few days ago to find out about a course I wanted to attend they offered finance options BUT since I've never gotten a loan, rent instead of own and don't own a credit card he said it was near impossible.
This got me thinking whilst it obviously has its restrictions it also has a major benefit, even if at the end of the week I only have $1 left it is my dollar, I owe it to nobody where millions upon millions of others are hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and I can proudly say I am debt free.
This is also where the tables turn my husband and I are taking over the business which he works for so we will be owing money on that and since he is in the same financial  boat in the fact he would never own a credit card, has never owned property etc his boss (who is AMAZING) is going to finance us.


Day 19 - Eyesight
I am truly blessed to be given the wonderful gift of eyesight being able to see the colours of the world


Day 20 - The house I live in (for a few more weeks!)
No, I do not own it but I live in it with my 4 children, it came to us and gave us a breath of fresh air, we have amazing landlords who are so friendly and helpful. I comfortably afford the rent on my own before any monetary contributions from hubby.
It is our safe haven, it is home.
It will be sad to say goodbye to this little house, it has been good to us as too have its owners.
Thank you Brad and Jenny for trusting in us to take care of your investment

 

Letting go

I have created a new Facebook profile (it was easier than doing a massive, massive cull) and I feel amazing, lonely but amazing.
Lately I've come to realise I had so many "friends" but no friends, why did I have them then? So many people who judged me and hurt me when I gave birth to Willow that they don't deserve to be in my life still but to not be lonely I kept them even though they didn't respect me.
If I want to overcome my depression, if I want to be happy I needed to let go of these false friendships.
Since I have I now have a spring in my step, I could dance. I feel alive, being able to post and not think twice before clicking send without wondering if ill be judged or if they'll all start talking behind my back again, it feels amazing!

The RFMA Gratitude Project - Days 13, 14, 15 & 16

Day 13 - Artwork
I know I already have crafts but my paintings are different they put me in a whole different world and give me the opportunity to remember significant events in my life such as the tragic loss of my cousin, Lee.


Day 14 - 12WBT
The new round hasn't even started yet but I have found 6 lovely ladies to run in our event, such a fantastic community and I wish everyone well taking part in Round 1, 2013, lets kick some butt!


Day 15 - My wonderful husband
Without him I don't know where I would be he rescued me from an abusive relationship, he has given me the strength to be me, he has supported me. He is my best friend, my soul mate and I love him beyond words


Day 16 - The quiet moments
We all know just how much some days even 5 minutes of nothing can save our sanity especially after she had a nosebleed and does NOT deal well with blood