Usually my posts are upbeat and positive as I focus on my goal of pregnancy and infant loss awareness but lately my depression has spiralled downwards and fast.
My goal for the next few days is to every night before bed do a sort of mood diary and write down my honest feelings and then give them to my GP.
I haven't taken medication for some time thinking I could manage without them, now it is quite clear that I cannot, I feel beaten and defeated.
This is a really hard blog for me to write, I've got so good at faking it that I'm even fooling myself. It is time to admit, I am not happy, I am struggling and I need to seek help. I don't like to feel judged so I am always scared to go to somebody and talk to them, I hate the thought of going to a doctor and them laughing at me or me being scared and not being able to tell them what I want to as I have done so many times before.
But I have had a think about how I have acted today, how I have yelled at my children and pushed them away, how much of a monster I have become. It is time, I don't just want help, I NEED HELP
I can't believe I have let it go this long thinking I could manage, embarrassed to admit it but I have got to the stage where when I am in a really depressive state I am having lots of suicidal thoughts, tell my husband I want a divorce and just hurt, I get so angry I feel I am going to burst and I hate it, then I cry and end up with a headache, then I'll be fine for a few hours then it all starts again, I cannot do it anymore, I will not do it anymore.
Wish me luck!
